Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Grocery shopping

Just haven't had much luck with old people lately. So last night I'm in Vons doing some grocery shopping and I get to the toilet paper section. It's an entire freaking wall people, Vons carries more TP brands then hospitals do medicine. I, being down to my last roll and with my newspaper subscription not starting for another few days, figured I'd better pick some up. Now, a caveat: I tend to grocery shop slow. Mostly because I don't know what the hell I'm doing and feel like a blind man with a book of crossword puzzles whenever I go into a place that sells food. So, it is not entirely unusual for me to spend a good amount of time considering each purchase, all they while keeping a wary eye out for the manager who is sure to spot me like a homeless man in the lobby of the Ritz, knowing that I should only be allow to purchase food from somewhere where one speaks into a box with a gender-confused redhead on it. Such was the case when it came to buying a roll of disposable butt-rags. I meandered down the Great Wall of TP and picked up the first package I saw and put it in my cart. But then, like a puppy in a store window, I see another package boasting even better ass-wiping performance for a few pennies more. I think, "Hey, that's what money's for!" and I speedily pick up the new package and walk back to replace this shabby, second-rate model. But, lurking along the way is an entirely different manufacturer with their brand of quilted crap-towels vying for my patronage. Ooh, college has not prepared me for this. I eagerly look around for some type of literature to aid me in making a better informed purchase, but none is available. I stand there, panic-stricken, as other, more enhanced crack-cleaning materials begin to jump out at me from their homes upon the shelf. After a few deep breaths I slowly regained my composure and decided that I am nothing if I can not chose which form of turd-cloth to buy. So after another good three minutes of perusing the Wall, I narrow my choices down to two possible contenders: Quilted Northern and Cottonelle, from what I can tell, the Champions of crack-cleaning. I glance at them out of the corner of my eye, knowing now exactly how a superior court justice must feel, and heft them up and down all the while pondering if their claims of "softest ever" are unfounded, or if through modern science new breakthroughs in the field of softnessisity have been made. Here's where the old lady comes in. Now, I try very hard not to judge other people. I think I do a pretty good job of it too. I think I can honestly say that if I was coming down a grocery store isle and saw a young man with his eyes closed alternatively rubbing packages of TP against the side of his face, I would not immediately classify him as some vagrant devil-worshiping hooligan and give him the evil-eye look that that old lady gave me. She has a good 65 years of toilet paper purchasing under her belt, ahem, to help her make an informed decision and all too easily forgets what it was like in the early years of ass-wipe purchasing-much like veteran drivers often honk unnecessarily from their 82 F150's at cars marked Student Driver just to freak out the girl in the head gear because I-they forget all to easily what it was like to be that girl with external orthodontics. I mean, it wasn't like I was tasting all the different varieties of Flintstones vitamins on isle 12 again. Sometimes I just can't help but feel as I am directly responsible for furthering the gap between the young, and those they make fun of. Incidentally, I bought the Cottonelle 'with Ripples' because they have a picture of a puppy on their package and Quilted Northern has a picture of a little girl smiling and I don' know about yous but I'm completely cool with a dog watching me drop the kids off at the pool but I tend to draw the restraining ord-line when it comes to defecating in front of children.


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