Thursday, January 27, 2005

Curse of the day:

"Porta-potty splash-back upon him and his children!"

Heh, good morning

So I'm lying in bed this morning and someone's pounding at the front door and ringing the doorbell and I've got my head under both pillows but they just won't go away. There's 5 people who live in this house and that population can range from anywhere from half to double that depending on who went home and who brought people back from the bars and whether or not we have a midget over, so I never answer the door. Finally after 20 minutes I got pissed and got up, jerked open the front door, and yelled, "Who the hel--O, gooooood morning officer." Heh, yeah.

-"Sorry, I was sleeping" (It was 11:00am)
-"Were you out late last night"(Looking at his watch)
-"Nope, went to bed early." (I said, looking at his watch)
-"Um..."(He said, looking at his watch again)
-"yawn"(Both looking at his watch)
-"It's, uh.."(Looking at the sun, looking back at his watch)
-"Yup."(Looking at his watch once more, this time squinting a little, then cocking my head sideways when he eyeballed me, kinda walking the line as I like to call it... Once more at the watch)

But he wasn't what you would call a cheery sort of fellow. Well, I don't know what you would call a cheery sort of fellow, I mean, I wouldn't call him that. And I didn't. But we had a fun morning talking about a variety of things like why our driveway had big muddy tire tracks in it as someone had torn up the neighborhood park the night before, and you know, opera. Good times.

So I think one of my roomies has a warrant out, which is cool.


I was waiting in the return line at Wal Mart because I had to return a coffee pot and I wanted to raise my self-esteem a little, and right next to the return counter is a row of electric scooter things for old people to ride as they shop. The thing I noticed was that the seat on every single one of them was cracked at the sides and split down the middle. If I was the GM I would print out a sign:

"Attention Wal Mart customers: In our efforts to enhance your shopping convenience we have provided EZ-Scooters for our elderly customers at no additional charge. If you wish to use a scooter, please ask the nearest associate for assistance. We would also like to mention that these scooters are not intended for use by customers that are just too fat to walk. If you do weigh in excess of your height converted to inches times ten, our gardening department would be more then happy to strap you to the front of a forklift so that you may peruse the aisles as you eat cheetos and suck lard through a garden hose. Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart and have a wonderful day."

Joke of the day that no one laughed at:

"Like being born in the 30's with a bumpy head"

I mean come on people in line behind me, read a book!

We all need somebody...

I was walking around Less4Food with Yukari the other day and I was in a good mood cause doughnuts were on sale and the song "Lean on Me" came over the loudspeaker so I let out a Lean on Me during the chorus, really high pitched, like a chipmunk that got kicked in the nuts, and this lady was coming around the corner just then and she started laughing and covered her mouth, embarrassed because I saw her laughing at me, so I bowed my head and said, "I apologize for that," and she laughed and said, "That's quite alright," so like three seconds later I did it again except this time she was passing by right next to me but I had forgot about her, cause you know, like, three seconds, and she dropped the peanut butter she was taking off the shelf but it was the kind in the plastic thing so it didn't break but I said I was sorry again. I think we made a connection.

Como se dice...

...Jackass en Inglés?

"To try to revive it, he has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score."

I mean, shut, the, hell, up.