Slippery Babies

Winter approaches.

2006-11-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it was 65 degrees. When I went outside this morning it was 45 degrees. I felt like someone slapped me in the nuts.

A dialogue

2006-11-07T06:54:00.000-08:00

Patrick: I don't believe in avocados.
Coworker: ...? What the hell are you talking about?
Patrick: I, I don't understand your question.
Coworker: What?
Patrick: What-what?

What's up Doc?

2006-11-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

So...Doogie Howser is gay.

Thriller!

2006-10-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

It's pretty much the exactly the same except it sucks and it's fun to laugh at.

As a linguist I can tell you that crotch thrusts are indeed universal and I try to work them in to the majority of my conversations with other people.

RIP SeXibLaster885

2006-10-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

I must play too many video games. I was looking at Cnn.com and one of the headlines was "Quake victims mourned a year later" and it took me a good couple of seconds to realize they were talking about an earthquake.

I was like, "Man that must have been some serious pwnage!"

Go on without me

2006-10-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

When the kids come into the classroom (I teach English btw) I usually ask them a few simple questions. I guess I've been doing the same ones for a while because today a little girl started answering as soon as she came through the door. I'm not making this up, I wrote it down right after it happened so I wouldn't forget.

Patrick: Hello Mayumi! Ho-
Mayumi: I'm fine thank you.
Patrick: Um, how are you?
Mayumi: I am six years old.
Patrick: Honey, wait until I ask the quest-
Mayumi: I like strawberries.
Patrick: Um...okay.
Mayumi: Purple.
Patrick: Good times.

She then gave a little bow and went to her seat.

F U 2

2006-10-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

For my last post I had to type in the scrambled letters at the bottom to verify that I'm a real person before it would post.

The letters were 'fudik.'

I've got two more

2006-10-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

I have a class with some elderly ladies once a week and we were discussing expressions for dissapointments the other day. Things like, "O well" and "What can you do" and some more serious ones like, "I'm so sorry to hear about your Wife/Dog."
They were having a hard time distinguishing what levels of severity each expression conveys, especially "O Well." The example that I gave (wrote it on the board) was this:

Correct:
A-san: "I lost your pen."
B-san: "Oh, well."

Incorrect:
A-san: "I lost your baby."
B-san: "Oh, well."

How did it go you ask? If I make them laugh like that again two of them will probably die.

(at which point the class would respond, "oh, well.")

Brief recap on me:

2006-10-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

I live in Kyoto, Japan. I teach English 4 days a week at a private school. I eat bagels 3 days a week in my kitchen. I train in Kung Fu and Philipino fighting sticks 2 days a week.

Life is greatastic. I have lots of free time and I really enjoy work. Still don't know if I want to continue on for a Masters and be and ESL teacher fo life. I'll have been here 11 months in two hours.

Please send me an email at p underscore evans at hotmail dot com. If you can't figure that out then send me one at ifyoucanttellthisisntarealaddresssthen@idontwanttotalktoyou.com. I check it daily.

I have an extra room if anyone wants to visit.

Alrighty

2006-10-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

There's a chance that I might start writing here again. Funnyness has continued throughout the absence and I lament the amount of unrecorded laughynesstimes.

Mmm..mmm?

2006-10-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

I farted in a bakery today, I think that means I'm going to hell.

2005-12-13T00:49:00.000-08:00

Bathroom stall writing of the day:

2005-11-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

Wait, don't beam me up Scottie, I'm taking a shiii-

Hmm

2005-11-25T06:56:00.000-08:00

So I live in, Japan, now. Which is nice.

Oh yeah, heh.

2005-10-30T01:40:00.001-08:00

There's this crazy homeless guy who often comes into work to make copies of his crazyness so that he can pass it on to others. The first time he handed me one such copy I was genuinely interested and I began to read it, but I soon learned he gives new meaning to the word non-sensical, and my face kinda scrunched up as if I was doing long division of quantities of raw sewage, and he goes:
-You probably can't understand it because you don't read the bible!
To which I replied, "Or eat paint"

Oh

2005-10-30T01:31:00.000-08:00

So much funny has transpired since the last time I posted I ran out of places to put it all and I had to give it to the Good Will. This was last week though:

Customer: Do you have any of those little L-shaped mirrors that clip on to the side of your monitor so that you can see behind you for when someone comes into your cubical?

Me: No, but we do have chairs that, swivel.

He did not enjoy that but myself and everyone in line at register 3 got a tickle.

I lost your number

2005-10-30T01:21:00.000-08:00

Well I should have writtin, I know I know. But life took a turn for the three hours of sleep per night; and to be frankly quite about it, my blog got overtaken on my list of priorities, as did sleep and prioritizing, though I never did know where to put that. So if the lack of eloquent prose makes a scratching sound across your monitor be patient with me as I work the rust out.
Brief recap on life. Graduated Cal Poly. Moving to Japan a week from tomorrow. Working at Staples days and Home Depot nights until that time.

Yup

2005-06-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

This guy is cooler then you and I.

Word of the day

2005-06-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

The word of the day is perspicacious.

The other word of the day is nibble.

Hace anos

2005-06-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the last time you had a Tiger Milk Bar? It's been ages.

Bless me

2005-06-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

I just sneezed really loud and the dogs next door started barking. I feel like I accomplished something for some reason.

The world is a fascinating place

2005-05-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

Did you know that 20% of the fresh water on the planet is in one lake? I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, that is incredible. I love learning.

Did you know?

2005-05-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

The red skittles are strawberry, not cherry. I can't believe that the government lets the general public live with such misinformation. I smell skittle kickbacks.

Cross my heart, this happened today.

2005-05-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

Old lady: Just one copy.
Me: Six cents please.
Old Lady: Here you go.
Me: Do you need a bag or an envelope or anything for that?
Old Lady: An envelope would be good. It's pretty windy out there, I need something to keep it stiff.
Me: I have that same problem.
Old Lady: ...
Me: Like, with the wind and, I mean, like. Here's your, um, envelope.

We're, going to the cha-pel;
and we're, gonnnaaaaa get fire-e-er-rd...

A letter to a friend:

2005-05-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Hey there, how's it going? What are you up to? Thats cool, thats cool. Hey, do you have a duck I could borrow? I know that sounds a little strange but I'm all out of chickens and we have the meeting tonight and it's my turn to bring. This'll be embarrassing if I don't get my hands on some poultry. I asked brother Deacon if I could bring a cat, as I have no particular affinity for Mr. Mingles, but he said "it would not appease the proper" somethingorother so it looks like I'm SOL. Anyways, let me know if you know of any small game I could borrow and not bring back kindathing.

Oh yeah, Carol said to ask if Lee Ann still had her cassorele dish from the jamboree last Friday. She's making some meat loaf for her dad and couldn't find the dish. Anyways, I better go, I think I hear Mr. Mingles in the bedroom. Damm cat shits like a chicken all over the house, I have half a mind to bring him and KFC strips and see what Chantmaster says. Anyways, see you at the plant on Monday,

Cliff

ho ho ouch

2005-05-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

Bob: My uncle died of natural causes.
Cliff: Really? What happened?
Bob: A tree fell on him.

I made him a bagel, woe is me

2005-05-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

I prepared Red a bagel, and now I shed a tear for the cream cheese god.
Woe unto those who pull late night study sessions and make bagels for their friends.
The smooth sea of cream cheese that was in the container is gone.
Red attacked the white spread with reckless abandon, like a drunk Godzilla at a miniature golf course.
I must hide the peanut butter.
Why did you stab the cream cheese so? From where does this angst come?
I cradle the container in my hand like dying badger and sob silently.
Woe is me.
Woe, is, me.

Leg, breast, or thigh?

2005-05-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I mean now where am I going to eat?

There goes 6hrs of my day

2005-05-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

I've been in a linking mood recently, but I'm going to go ahead and call this the coolest site on the planet

It's not the homepage, but you'll get the idea

Interesting

2005-05-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's an advertisement for reverse-vasectomies!

Brain getting bigger

2005-05-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm learning lots of new things today. Like the word apocryphal. It's so pretty.

Did you know?

2005-05-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

The largest petrified forest in the world is in Lesbos. I did not know that.

Did you know?

2005-05-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

The Akkadians, from the city of Akkad in northern Mesopotamia date back to the 23rd century before Christ. I did not know that.

Word of the day:

2005-05-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

Wainscoting.
Yes yes, I'm sure that many of you knew what that was but I didn't so go pee uphill.

They say you can never go home again

2005-05-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

This is why.
I'm from #2. Well technically not from that part of town but SB is where I call home.

Uh huh

2005-05-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

Absolutly no idea what to do with that.
Thanks for the link though Gabe

Loogadababygoatalope mommy! Loogada...

2005-05-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

I really did enjoy that slide show.

Goat ninjas

2005-05-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ooo, Japanese goat antelopes are elusive. Some scientists claim them to be part ninja.
Yup, looks like a goat and an antelope had a little too much to drink one night.
OOooo, a slide show. Somewhere, someone woke up one morning and decided to make a slide show of Japanese goat antelopes. If aliens ever attack us I will tell them that in our defense.

I find these things so you don't have to people.

Scoop gets smaller as bucket gets lower people

2005-05-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

If X is equal to the number of scoops of laundry detergent taken from the bucket, whose domain would of course be all integers greater then zero; the value of Y, the variable representing the amount of laundry detergent added as a factor of X, would invariably be the inverse of X, so that, Y = 1/X.

Heh, I said invariably.

Sold by the pair

2005-05-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

Now that's just good news

I'll leave the boobie jokes to the general public.

Thats about $2,787.38 people.

Eh?

2005-05-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

I love these titles.

I always wanted to be an astronaut...

Look mom, a Turdfish!

2005-05-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

(notice it's natual camouflage of peanut-speckels)

Yes, guests at the casino will be amazed at the variety of sea life, such as raw sewage, that passes by as they gamble.

I kid, I kid. I have never been to Macau but I hear they have very nice sewage. Top notch.

Heh, good times

2005-05-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

The story's not that interesting, but the title from CNN's homepage definitly has allure. "PETA accuses lab of punching monkeys." At least they weren't spanking them.

Joke of the day:

2005-05-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

Q: What is brown and sticky?

A: A stick

waggly daggly

2005-05-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

holy poop.

penny-arcade was linked to that, izhowifowndit

pwnd

2005-05-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

Heh heh, fell..off...the heh. heh.

An essay for the betterment of mankind:

2005-05-11T00:45:00.000-07:00

I feel that the general public may have misconceptions about what it is to be narcoleptic. As a journalist and one who has suffered from narcolepsy for the past several years, I feel that I might be able to provide unique insight so that others may learttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

Word of the day:

2005-05-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

Numismatic.
Bechadolla you never use it in your life.

Coincidently...

2005-05-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

There is a chance that my first born will be named "Japanese goat antelope."
Just FYI.

World war 3? Tsunami? Murder? Goat-antelopes?

2005-05-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Now thats what I call breaking news. Different people have different definitions of what demands national attention I guess.

Conversation at the rock climbing gym:

2005-05-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

I went rock climbing the other day and there were these two guys climbing. One was an experienced climber and the other probably had someone help him with his shoelaces. They did that thing where they talked:

Some guy: Dood, you're still on that run? You've been up there for like 20 minutes.
Some other guy: You missed it man, it was crazy. The rope broke and I almost died!
The first guy again: You're rope broke? So you're just hanging there defying gravity right now?
The wall guy: Um, yeah. You know, God protects his chosen people.
Me: So is it allright if I untie this end down here then?

At this point my friend Paul laughed and fell off the wall next to him so I shouted "sinner!"

Word of the day:

2005-05-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

Narcolepzzzzzzzzz.

This just in:

2005-05-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

I found out today that I can enhance my maleness and increase my performance if I buy diamonds from Nigeria. As soon as I finish my degree online I'll be all over that like sand on kitty poo.

Thought of the day:

2005-05-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

What if birds were ticklish?

Did you know that it's not spelled tickelish? Tell your friends.

Wow, o wow.

2005-05-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be one of the longest palindromes ever. I guess that for english majors this is like word porn or something. I especially like the last sentence: "I vomit on rats."

I'm sure that somebody put a lot of time into this, but it seems more to me something convicts write on their walls with poop.

Yup

2005-05-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you call someone who always changes the subject?

A: I like tuna.

You smell like feet

2005-05-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

Q: What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?

A: A plum is purple.

Oh, no-no, of course not

2005-05-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

That wasn't the funny of which I spoke.

A whole new plastic carton of phyla Annelidas

2005-05-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

As an avid fisherman as a child, fisherchild, you might say, I wouldn't, I have purchased many worms in my life, but never, do I recall them coming in a can.

New laptop

2005-05-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine lent me a laptop for my last quarter of college, and I was playing around with the power settings yesterday. It has settings such as always on and minimal battery usage. I enabled it to use as many resources as possible, and now it says: American.

If you're gonna be my baby...

2005-04-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've been busy what with the testifying against Michael Jack- I mean, work. Much funny has transpired and I hope to be posting it soon.

Comedian of the day

2005-04-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

"I don't think condoms are very reliable at all. Don't you just hate it when they break? There's that moment of surprise, followed by that terrible shock as two kilos of cocaine hit your stomach...." -comedian on tv.

I would set up a lawn chair and sit by the side of the road...

2005-04-02T03:46:00.000-08:00

I find this to be funny ha-ha

Line of the day day:

2005-03-30T17:13:00.000-08:00

-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

Line of the day:

2005-03-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

-For when I fall, it shall be the death of kings

How you doin?

2005-03-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

An 80 year old woman come up to me at the gas station yesterday and said, "I like your pickup."
I asked her to have my baby.

Thought of the day:

2005-03-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

If I was a worm, I would totally sleep in.

Al hijo...

2005-03-03T18:25:00.000-08:00

I am sorry, my son
about the world;
your mom and I,
fucked it up a little.

Quote of the day:

2005-03-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

"Bam wham thank you maam" -Dr. Martinez, Spanish 305 teacher

I dunno, maybe he just does it differently.

Yup

2005-03-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

There are two types of people in this world, those that finish their sentences.

Thought of the day:

2005-02-27T22:14:00.000-08:00

-I don't care if I was wrong yesterday, I just don't want to be wrong tomorrow.

Quote of the Day:

2005-02-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

#@%* Monkeys
-Bucky the cat (Get Fuzzy)

2005-02-22T20:31:00.000-08:00

Yup yup

You smell like Paraguay

2005-02-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

No, they're not scratch and sniff but if anyone wants to get in on the ground floor I just got a great idea for a company.

Not actual size

2005-02-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

Catechize me this: Who decides what country is what color on a map? I for one, am fond of representing spheres with rectangles and therefore have two large maps upon my wall. One is political, titled "WORLD MAP"and one is physical, labeled "THE WORLD," but I have a strong suspicion that they're both earth.
I seriously doubt you could find any country that makes a world map and labels itself pink, as I recall that is what caused the Nigerian civil war. I personally don't see any inherent relation between Kazakhstan and Brazil, and neither have returned my calls. The CIA seems to designate everybody as a warm taupe. On my map Greenland is purple. Which, I think is why kids bring guns to school.
I find the answer to be elusory, which is a synonom for elusive, along with slippery and perfidious, which I had to look up. Mankind may never know just why Antarctica is white but I for one, smell dissertation.

You're as dumb as us.

2005-02-22T19:42:00.000-08:00

This pleases me. How can you not find Iraq? It's pink.

Note to self:

2005-02-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

Thursday is taco day

Go go gadget flippers

2005-02-22T00:12:00.000-08:00

I would like a bionic dolphin.
I think they are neat.

Goal of the day:

2005-02-19T01:16:00.001-08:00

Have you slapped your Poststructuralist today?

Question of the day:

2005-02-19T01:16:00.000-08:00

Is a pen like a pen?

Word of the day:

2005-02-19T01:14:00.000-08:00

"Shiny"

Backfeed

2005-02-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

I changed the settings so anyone can post comments now, apparently it was restricted to bloggers only. So if you have a comment or suggestion, please feel free to post it so I can delete it later.

Well, shampoo is expensive...

2005-02-19T01:00:00.000-08:00

Michelle: "I had to flush one of my fishes yesterday becaues he had ick."

Patrick: "But ick's treatable. I hope you don't shoot your kids one day if they get dandruff."

Why I shouldn't be a teacher

2005-02-19T00:57:00.000-08:00

Patrick: "Beef?"
Yukari: "What?"
Patrick:"Sorry, I mean 'whats for dinner?'"
Yukari:"What what?"

I suspect sabotage

2005-02-19T00:55:00.000-08:00

I was just driving back from Gabe's house and on California there's a little Mexican restaurant called Tonita's. The light had burned out on the 'i' so it says "Ton ta's" which is funny.

Quote of the Day:

2005-02-19T00:52:00.000-08:00

Michelle: "I love learning random facts."
Patrick: "New Zealand's only native land mammal is a bat."
Michelle:"But bats are air mammals!"

Conversation in heaven:

2005-02-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

-What's the last thing you remember seeing before you died?
-A bright light at the end of the tunnel.
-Yeah, that was the train.

ESL:English as a seventh language

2005-02-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

I bought a MP3 player from Staples on clearance today. Ooo boy is that a well translated manual: "Enter every kinds of menu by pressing the key of Mode."

Quote of the Day:

2005-01-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

"Care-meter pegged on zero on that one."

Quote of the Day:

2005-01-29T19:14:00.000-08:00

"Sweet, sour, and pork." -Yukari

Curse of the day:

2005-01-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

"Porta-potty splash-back upon him and his children!"

Heh, good morning

2005-01-27T02:05:00.000-08:00

So I'm lying in bed this morning and someone's pounding at the front door and ringing the doorbell and I've got my head under both pillows but they just won't go away. There's 5 people who live in this house and that population can range from anywhere from half to double that depending on who went home and who brought people back from the bars and whether or not we have a midget over, so I never answer the door. Finally after 20 minutes I got pissed and got up, jerked open the front door, and yelled, "Who the hel--O, gooooood morning officer." Heh, yeah.

-"Sorry, I was sleeping" (It was 11:00am)
-"Were you out late last night"(Looking at his watch)
-"Nope, went to bed early." (I said, looking at his watch)
-"Um..."(He said, looking at his watch again)
-"yawn"(Both looking at his watch)
-"It's, uh.."(Looking at the sun, looking back at his watch)
-"Yup."(Looking at his watch once more, this time squinting a little, then cocking my head sideways when he eyeballed me, kinda walking the line as I like to call it... Once more at the watch)

But he wasn't what you would call a cheery sort of fellow. Well, I don't know what you would call a cheery sort of fellow, I mean, I wouldn't call him that. And I didn't. But we had a fun morning talking about a variety of things like why our driveway had big muddy tire tracks in it as someone had torn up the neighborhood park the night before, and you know, opera. Good times.

So I think one of my roomies has a warrant out, which is cool.

Incidentally...

2005-01-27T01:40:00.000-08:00

I was waiting in the return line at Wal Mart because I had to return a coffee pot and I wanted to raise my self-esteem a little, and right next to the return counter is a row of electric scooter things for old people to ride as they shop. The thing I noticed was that the seat on every single one of them was cracked at the sides and split down the middle. If I was the GM I would print out a sign:

"Attention Wal Mart customers: In our efforts to enhance your shopping convenience we have provided EZ-Scooters for our elderly customers at no additional charge. If you wish to use a scooter, please ask the nearest associate for assistance. We would also like to mention that these scooters are not intended for use by customers that are just too fat to walk. If you do weigh in excess of your height converted to inches times ten, our gardening department would be more then happy to strap you to the front of a forklift so that you may peruse the aisles as you eat cheetos and suck lard through a garden hose. Thank you for shopping at Wal Mart and have a wonderful day."

Joke of the day that no one laughed at:

2005-01-27T01:38:00.000-08:00

"Like being born in the 30's with a bumpy head"

I mean come on people in line behind me, read a book!

We all need somebody...

2005-01-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

I was walking around Less4Food with Yukari the other day and I was in a good mood cause doughnuts were on sale and the song "Lean on Me" came over the loudspeaker so I let out a Lean on Me during the chorus, really high pitched, like a chipmunk that got kicked in the nuts, and this lady was coming around the corner just then and she started laughing and covered her mouth, embarrassed because I saw her laughing at me, so I bowed my head and said, "I apologize for that," and she laughed and said, "That's quite alright," so like three seconds later I did it again except this time she was passing by right next to me but I had forgot about her, cause you know, like, three seconds, and she dropped the peanut butter she was taking off the shelf but it was the kind in the plastic thing so it didn't break but I said I was sorry again. I think we made a connection.

Como se dice...

2005-01-27T01:15:00.000-08:00

...Jackass en Inglés?

"To try to revive it, he has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score."

I mean, shut, the, hell, up.

Interesting choice of words...

2005-01-23T20:31:00.000-08:00

Associate: "Do you have your business rewards card with you today?"
Customer:"Oh, yeah. I'm a special education teacher, here's my teacher one."
Associate:"Thanks. Go ahead and push the green button on the pad."
Customer:"Um, I already said I don't want cash back once, should I push it again?
Associate: "O Yeah, sometimes you have to hit it twice. Our system is sooo retarded."

I like words

2005-01-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

Unlike speech, writing operates in the absence of the speaker...

Line from literary theory text I'm reading:

2005-01-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

If the question is "Should I?" then the answer is "It depends who you are and who you want to be."

Bumper sticker of the day:

2005-01-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

Saw this on a 78 Chevy pickup today:
"What if hokey-pokey is what it's all about?"